I'm a perfectionist, rule follower and really good at following instructions (and giving them too!).

So.

When I got my diagnosis and started my recovery journey, I thought, "I've got this." I thought I would follow the new "rules" and do what "they" tell me and then I would be cured.

I thought recovery would look like


Versus what it really looks like - the reality is that recovery is a journey for me right now. When I get focused on recovery as a destination, my anxiety gets the best of me, and dun, dun, dun... relapse.

I think it is pretty safe to say that I am knee deep in relapse right now. Not so much in relentless behaviors, but the emotional cycle of shame and self-hatred for my body and food.

My recovery has definitely taken on the second image much more than the first. I am reflecting as to the many reasons why - and here is what I have come up with.
1) I am FINALLY dealing with the deep down shit that I have buried and swallowed for so long. And it is painful and raw and incredibly painful. Each layer I address brings memories and pain for me to cope with.
2) In the face of medical issues, I quit smoking. Quitting smoking and quitting behaviors and dealing with shit? Yup. Relapse. I often feel like I can quit smoking or I can quit behaviors, but doing both, I constantly doubt myself.
3) I need to rewire my neuro pathways a find a new way of thinking and living. - I have been living with disordered eating/and eating disorder for more than 3 decades. Behaviors are my go to, like muscle memory. Feel sad? Behaviors. Feel anxious? Behaviors. Feel triggered? Behaviors. (insert note.... I will try as much as possible to refrain from discussing specific behaviors on this blog.)

I am starting a new type of treatment next week and I am both fearful and excited. I will be meeting with a dietitian and therapist at the same time. I am stuck in "all or nothing" thinking pattern (I will definitely talk more about this in a future blog!). For me and my ED, this is either extreme rules and rituals (more restrictive behaviors) or what I fondly call "fuck it land" where there are no rules or boundaries (and lots of binge behaviors). I have yet to uncover what pushes me toward one side or the other. I'm sure therapy will get me there sooner rather than later.

So here's the ultimate deal. Recovery is messy. Recovery is hard. Recovery means being vulnerable. Recovery means good days and bad days. Recovery means set backs.

This is it. This is the beginning. I have been trying to start this thing for over a year. But crippling fear of vulnerability and even more crippling shame have prevented me in doing so. So, this is where I will start because trying to think of a way to do otherwise ain't gonna work.

I am sitting at my computer feeling just generally pissed with my life. My life is always chaos. Always some kind of fucking chaos.

All three kids are sick... and home on summer break. Work is crazier than ever and this is the first summer that I have to go into work (I'm sure I'll write about my job at some point). Hence the current chaos that has brushed me to the brink of my sanity. I have not nourished my body well today, so I just had a late lunch. My belly is full but I feel entirely empty.

I promise that this blog won't always or only be about my fucking crazy life, but in a way that's all it will be about. Why? because the insanity and chaos  fuel the voice in my head. No, not voices. One voice. And my voice has a name.

ED - nickname, shortened for eating disorder.

Hi, my name is Jillian and I suffer from bulimia.

I'm a significantly privileged Caucasian, educated, upper-class,  cisgender, (progressive) Christian female. In spite of all that privilege, somehow, about a year ago, I found myself in a dietitian's office choking on the words "You have an eating disorder."

I initially went to see this dietitian knowing I had an issue, but really hoping it was Binge Eating Disorder (BED) so I could get a magic pill being used to treat BED. I had heard that this little pill would suppress my desire to binge. But what I had really heard, was that if I could get my hands on this little pill, I would never want to eat and all of my problems would be solved.

Instead of leaving with a prescription, I left with the reality that my life was never going to be the same. Deeeeeeeep down, I knew that my relationships with food and my weight was problematic. But I had no idea how significant of a problem it was until I dove head first into the world of eating disorder recovery.

In my head, there are three reasons I am starting this blog:

1) Our thin-privileged, skinny-obsessed diet culture has major misinformation and myths about dieting and eating disorders. I want to be a part of setting that record straight. I hope and pray that the more I share the message, the more I will believe it. Let's face it, after 30 years of dealing with this monster, keeping ED's voice quiet takes a lot of hard work.
2) I want other people to know they are not alone. ED thrives in isolation and secrecy (similar to addictions, though I do not believe that ED is an addiction to food). The more I share, the more connected I feel and the less shame I assume.
3) Clinicians are pretty savvy and already seem to know every thought that I have, but maybe my story will find the right person at the right time and can be used to help some one else beat this dreadful disease.

Ultimately, my intentions are to share my journey though writing with whomever shall find this blog. I believe recovery is possible, and I believe I am emerging from buli(Mia) to me.