It's supposed to be my word for the year. I am not doing a great job at it.

Mostly because of ED.

I just want to numb. My feelings, my thoughts, my existence.

While I am entirely happy to be out of "fuck it land" where I have no rules, no diet, no restrictions, no exercise, no purging, no planning... That means I am started to lean towards the other side. No desire to eat. Nothing sounds good. Eating solely to keep myself from passing out. And soon comes the rules to "keep me in line."

Hunger either makes me angry, makes me have obsessive thoughts of food, induces shame, or.... it helps me numb the world.

I'm not sure why I am struggling. Having such a hard time finding joy.

I bet that would surprise everyone around me. I am so good at faking it, at being in the moment so that I find temporary joy, but it's never lasting.

The pain always comes back to ED. I am so exhausted and tired of fighting this brutal disease. I just want to be cured. I want to not hate my body. I want to have a healthy relationship with food and with movement.

I keep telling myself "this too shall pass" and "one day at a time" and "the pain is only temporary" but it's getting hard to believe. It's been two years of recovery treatment and no end in sight.

I now what I need to do, but being intentional seems too exhausting.

I should have picked a different word.