When I first started my recovery journey, I Mia thought that it would be a beginning to end quick progress and before I knew it, bulimia would be a thing of my past.

That didn't happen.

So here I am, two years later, beginning the third year of my recovery journey.

I remember making that first phone call to schedule an appointment thinking they would have a magic pill that would make me want to stop eating. I remember them asking why I wanted to come in, and me saying something along the lines of "I think I might have an eating disorder." But I also remember the utter shock when the practitioner said, "You fit the diagnostic criteria for severe bulimia."

Two years, two long long years. So much has happened and changed yet so  so much is the same.

My behaviors have drastically reduced. When I initially started this journey,  had 10-12 behaviors per day on average. But the thoughts are loud, perhaps louder than ever. I even dream at night of using behaviors. Sometimes I wake shaking and shaken. I know, at least for this moment, I am always one bad day away from a full blown relapse. While part of me does accept the existence of complete recovery, I think it will take more time for me to get there.Thirty years of disordered eating it's going to take more than two years.

I have new goals. I've come a long way in my relationship with food. My psychical body is still experiencing the devastating effects of long-term malnutrition, but my overall relationship with food has improved. To think when I started this journey two years ago, I could not eat breakfast without some kind of behavior.

Movement, that's the new goal. Make peace with movement. I am scared shitless, and I'm not entirely sure that I can do this part, but I have to trust the process.