I'm a perfectionist, rule follower and really good at following instructions (and giving them too!).

So.

When I got my diagnosis and started my recovery journey, I thought, "I've got this." I thought I would follow the new "rules" and do what "they" tell me and then I would be cured.

I thought recovery would look like


Versus what it really looks like - the reality is that recovery is a journey for me right now. When I get focused on recovery as a destination, my anxiety gets the best of me, and dun, dun, dun... relapse.

I think it is pretty safe to say that I am knee deep in relapse right now. Not so much in relentless behaviors, but the emotional cycle of shame and self-hatred for my body and food.

My recovery has definitely taken on the second image much more than the first. I am reflecting as to the many reasons why - and here is what I have come up with.
1) I am FINALLY dealing with the deep down shit that I have buried and swallowed for so long. And it is painful and raw and incredibly painful. Each layer I address brings memories and pain for me to cope with.
2) In the face of medical issues, I quit smoking. Quitting smoking and quitting behaviors and dealing with shit? Yup. Relapse. I often feel like I can quit smoking or I can quit behaviors, but doing both, I constantly doubt myself.
3) I need to rewire my neuro pathways a find a new way of thinking and living. - I have been living with disordered eating/and eating disorder for more than 3 decades. Behaviors are my go to, like muscle memory. Feel sad? Behaviors. Feel anxious? Behaviors. Feel triggered? Behaviors. (insert note.... I will try as much as possible to refrain from discussing specific behaviors on this blog.)

I am starting a new type of treatment next week and I am both fearful and excited. I will be meeting with a dietitian and therapist at the same time. I am stuck in "all or nothing" thinking pattern (I will definitely talk more about this in a future blog!). For me and my ED, this is either extreme rules and rituals (more restrictive behaviors) or what I fondly call "fuck it land" where there are no rules or boundaries (and lots of binge behaviors). I have yet to uncover what pushes me toward one side or the other. I'm sure therapy will get me there sooner rather than later.

So here's the ultimate deal. Recovery is messy. Recovery is hard. Recovery means being vulnerable. Recovery means good days and bad days. Recovery means set backs.